[insert clever filk of a holiday song parodying the Alien movies here]
Because I made this today while doing a gummy demo at a National Instruments Alternative Gift Fair:
Mmmmm, chestbursty…in fruity flavours!
That’s right: I made Christmas Alien Head Gummy. And normally at this point I’d come up with some kind of funny-nerdy spoof of a classic holiday jingle using references from the Alien movies throughout. But I’m exhausted. And swollen (car accident last week, I’m fine, but I’m bruised from knee to ankle).
So instead of me being clever, I’m going to challenge all of you out there on teh interwebz to entertain me while I go elevate my legs on the couch and watch TV.
THE CONTEST
You are hereby challenged to write a comedic version of a classic holiday carol using references to the Alien movies. That includes Alien, Aliens, Aliens3 (cubed), Alien: Resurrection, and Alien vs Predator. I haven’t seen Prometheus…were the aliens actually in that? If so, sure, that counts too, but I haven’t seen it so you’re less likely to amuse me than if you stick to the Ripley movies.
THE PRIZES
You will win the glory of everyone loving what you wrote, plus the following hierarchy of prizes:
FIRST PLACE: a copy of all three of my ebooks: that’s “Finding Gaia“, “Flexible, Edible Stained Glass“, and “Cute and Easy Turkey Cakes“.
SECOND PLACE: choice of two of the ebooks listed above.
THIRD PLACE: choice of one of the ebooks listed above.
In all cases, if you don’t want the prize you may give me an address of someone to whom you’d prefer I send it as a gift.
THE RULES
You must post your entry as a comment on this post no later than 11:59 pm Central US time on Sunday, December 23, 2012. It can be text or if you’re really keen, a link to a video of you singing it (but please provide the lyrics). You must also list what song you’re parodying so I can tell what the tune should be. Please note that I’m already squeeing at the thought of someone making a video, so there are definite bonus points for that, although a truly clever text-only could win.
It must be at least four lines long and original to you (don’t even bother trying to rip off the Cthulu carols because I’ve heard ’em all).
You must be 18 years old. Sorry but that’s to keep me out of legal issues and because “Finding Gaia” has naughty parts.
You must have no legal reason why you can’t enter this contest. Like if that “void in Quebec” thing I always saw as a kid or something similar applies to you, then don’t enter, or if you do anyway you can’t sue me. This is my generic “do not taunt Happy Fun Ball” disclaimer. Please don’t make me write legalese. I’d rather self-lobotomize with a knitting needle.
Enter as often as you wish but don’t spam me.
JUDGING
I get final say, but I’ll also be inviting some nerdy friends to help judge. Judges can’t also be contestants.
And now some more photos to inspire you, including my daughter noming on one of the mini heads:
Contest begins NOW!
PS Comments are moderated so since I’m about to be offline for a bit, be patient until I’m back online to moderate…
UPDATE: The contest is now closed and the winners are listed here!
(to the tune of O Holy Night)
Nostromo Night! The stars are brightly shining.
It is the night of an Alien's birth.
Long lay the crew, in stasis sleep reclining,
on a return trip from Thedus to Earth.
A thrill of fear, a transmission of warning,
a strange egg breaks, its acid skin is torn
Fall on your knees! The face hugger has got you!
Oh Nostromo Night! The night when it is born!
Oh Nostromo Night! Oh night divine!
I call it Carol of the Nostromo (to Carol of the Bells)
Hark! S.O.S.
Cheer bursting from our chests!
I can’t see a goddamn thing,
so, what’s the use in caroling?
Soon we’ll all be figgy pudding!
Nesting in our guts until…
not really that kind of thrill!
Hey, Ash, can you hear me?
Say, Ash, can you hear me?
Mother get us out of here.
So we can have some Christmas Cheer.
Game over, Man.
Game over, Man.
This isn’t happening.
This isn’t happening.
Can’t do a thing.
Locked in a room.
Sealing our doom
They mostly come out at night, mostly.
Mostly they come out at night, mostly.
Get
a-way from
her
you,
bitch!
With acid blood
splashing about
No one seems to hear
words of good cheer.
Screams fill the air.
Ringing every where.
Oh, how they pound,
raising the sound.
Hey little mouth,
what’s that about?
Gaily they eat,
start with the feet.
Or,
with
the face,
why NOT?
La, la, la ,la!
On, to the end.
Sorry old friend.
I left you behind.
Hope you don’t mind.
Merry x-mas! Amanda Rachelle
"Deck the hull with egg-sacks slimy,
falalalalalalalala.
There's a reason it looks grimy,
falalalalalalalala.
Don we now our body armor,
falalalalalalalala.
the station core is getting warmer,
falalalalalalalala.
See the hordes of foes before us,
falalalalalalalala.
Strike the fuse and shoot in chorus,
falalalalalalalala.
Follow me to see the Mother,
falalalalalalalala.
fleeing her is such a bother,
falalalalalalalala.
Blast away from '426,
falalalalalalalala.
teach a cargo loader new tricks,
falalalalalalalala.
Now we're ready for the sequels,
falalalalalalalala.
Prometheus free us from prequels,
falalalalalalalala.
Aliens Jingle Bells
Dashing through the stars
After 57 years
Back to L-V Four Two Six
Ripley conquers fears
Apone's in command
Space marines in tow
What fun, a rescue mission planned
The company made 'em go
Oh, jingle bells, Hudson yells
"This can't be happening…!"
Oh, what fun it is to run
From a horde of aliens
Jingle bells, Vasquez tells
Gorman he's an arse
Oh, what fun it is to run
From a horde of aliens
A month or two ago
Surveyors found a ship
And only Newt survived
Because she learned to hide
Hicks had to take command
Because Apone, he got grabbed
The dropship crashed, they had to stand
More alien attacks
Oh, jingle bells, Hudson yells
"We're all gonna die…!"
Oh, what fun it is to run
From a horde of aliens
Jingle bells, Vasquez tells
All she's not a man
Oh, what fun it is to run
From a horde of aliens
Jingle bells, Ripley yells
"Get away from her, you [w]itch!"
Oh, what fun it is to run
From a horde of aliens
Jingle bells, good prevails
Only two survived
Just don't watch more sequels
Or you'll see that they all died.